The trenches: in body and in mind

2 days ago
4 min read

A very brief look into a day in the life with mental and chronic illness

Maybe I’m feeling sorry for myself writing about this. But maybe I just want to give these thoughts somewhere to rest.

All the feels

No one tells you how truly alienating chronic and mental illnesses can be. Gaslighting yourself day in and day out is debilitating. You begin to question your sanity when the only voice you hear feeds the delusion and panic. You try and quiet it. You run from it. You smother it. You make everything else so loud that you can't hear it anymore, if only for a second. Anything is better than letting yourself fall from the slowly crumbling ledge.

These conditions bleed into everything you do. Bubbling under the surface. It's the elephant in the room, that thing that goes unspoken, and is tiptoed around. There's no rest, not before bed, not in the shower, not during your skin care rituals. There is no amount of brunches, coffee runs, and laughter that can erase that which lives under your bed, that thing that nips at your feet hiding under the covers. Becuase that thing is out for blood. And it's you, you're next. It may not be today, or right this second but it's an unmistakable weight on your back. Something you can't shake off.

It's masking in public and even at home. Trying to focus on what's being said while ignoring the ringing in your ears. It's telling your boss during a one on one that everything is fine. Sometimes it's even overachieving, excelling to prove to yourself and others that you have worth outside these diagnoses.

When panic and hyper-fixation set in this can make loved ones react adversely. Like a flipped switch and then the bandaid is ripped off.

"It's probably nothing." is how it starts

"I'm here for you." is what you might get at times

"Now you're stressing me out." you begin to hear more frequently

It's a longwinded lecture about what you should be doing to "get better"

then

"I don't want to hear about this anymore."

"Sorry but I don't have the space to talk about this right now." nightmare fuel, but a reality

Experiencing dismissive behaviors from loved ones only reinforces the idea that you’re the odd one out. That dismissal does nothing but scratch away at the little self-worth there's left to preserve. It can open the door to a slew of negative practices. Self harm is on the table, negative self talk, tolerating the bare minimum or abuse from family and lovers.

"You make everything else so loud that you can't hear it anymore, if only for a second. "

Here's what you don't see...

Pain

"This may hurt just a little." *insert photo of Jane from The Twilight Saga

Badum tss

No, but really

It can show up like:

Chest pain- more specifically like being stabbed repeatedly. Tachycardia that feels like the flight of a hummingbird. Fighting to keep your mind in check. Caffeine addiction. Hollow eye bags, poor sleep- if any. Four- seven- eight. Not eating. Eating too much. Butterfly taps. Brittle nails. Hair thinning and falling out in clumps. Two fingers finding the pulse in your throat. Brain fog. Bad memory. Extreme fatigue. Easy irritation and no patience. Its body aches, and shivering. Praying to God or anyone who you think might listen. Crying until there's nothing left to give. Resignation.

Rumination and feeding the monster

On a bad day my google search history might look like:

“What does a heart attack feel like?”

“At what point do I need to visit the ER?”

“Can I take Lexapro and Xanax at the same time?”

“Can you die from a panic attack?”

“Is easy bruising a sign of cancer?”

“Numbness in hands and feet”

“L-theanine for anxiety”

“How to make my doctor take me seriously?”

So what? What’s the point of writing all of this?

The short answer: idk

The long answer: Nobody dies a virgin because this life fucks us all. Pain is relative and looks different for everyone so comparing myself to others isn’t fair. Not only is it self sabotage, it’s also self obsessed. I care so much, too much about how I am perceived. Is it vain to assume I am important enough to cross everyone’s minds? Probably. Chasing perfection, inability to relinquish control and, an inferiority complex is maybe at the root of all my suffering. Deep down I have to believe it won’t feel this way forever. It’s okay for life to be hard, after all to live is to suffer. I’m writing this to be a witness and an active participant in my own life. In order to progress we must be willing to confront ourselves with honesty over and over. Naturally I have a lot to work on. Healthier habits I can instill, routine, and therapy outside of being medicated…

For now this will do.

I leave you with a quote that moves me, I hope it moves you too